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I’m having visons of no return

After trying so hard to make my paintings be like the small (3″ x 5″) black and white pieces I did last winter, I finally gave up. Then, to my surprise, once I stopped trying, it happened. That same energy I was trying to get is now there in the canvases. Without my trying. Interesting how that happens. Probably a good lesson, although I doubt if that is the way to approach everything.

It would be great to put that effortlessness into paying bills or cleaning house.  There is a lot of truth in knowing when to step back, let things happen without controls.  As well, there is more power in relaxation than tension.  So perhaps, that really is a good way to pay bills:  certainly, worry doesn’t get the work done.

For me, here, in painting, it’s a lack of censoring, an allowing, a sense of letting things be chaotic if they need to be so.  I’ve too often felt the impulse to tidy-up, be readable.  That doesn’t seem so important any more.

I dreamed last night I cut my hair.  Usually I wear my hair pulled back in the summer so I don’t cut it until about October when I need to cover my ears to keep them warm.  But here it is the middle of August and the weather is finally hot (very hot!) and I dream I cut my hair short, blunt.  I don’t know why, even in the dream.  People say it looks nice but I still feel strange that I cut it.

So naturally I’m obsessed with this dream and trim off about an inch, to placate my thoughts.  But really, I am just taking off the tired ends, the parts that aren’t as healthy any more, to revitalize what is there.  So the hair doesn’t have to work so hard, can relax.  There’s a lot to be said for relaxation!


I’m having photos taken next week.  That’s when I can really see what I am doing.  Taking a step back through the eye of the camera.


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